[	mood	|	Tired And Sad And Depressed	]
[	music	|	Breathe-The Prodigy	]

I am going to bed now...to have dreams of a girl that i cannot have....i will wake up tomorrow and live the same drudgy dreary life that has tormented me for so long. Later i will post poems, stories, chats, etc on this subject... Thank You

-jadez03

[	mood	|	depressed	]
[	music	|	Under the Bridge - The Red Hot Chili Peppers	]

Hey all... i just got back from school...had kind of a depressing day, trying to not have to explain to everyone why i was so down..but i did have a high point...we were taking notes in History, and my friend Travis fell asleep...and by the end of class he had a drool puddle all over his desk...i laughed and laughed and laughed...lol

Here is a really meaningful song that i was listening to earlier...see if any of you know it...

Under the Bridge - The Red Hot Chili Peppers
Sometimes I feel
Like I don't have a partner
Sometimes I feel
Like my only friend
Is the city I live in
The city of angels
Lonely as I am
Together we cry

I drive on her streets
'Cause she's my companion
I walk through her hills
'Cause she knows who I am
She sees my good deeds
And she kisses me windy
I never worry
Now that is a lie

I don't ever want to feel
Like I did that day
Take me to the place I love
Take me all the way

It's hard to believe
That there's nobody out there
It's hard to believe
That I'm all alone
At least I have her love
The city she loves me
Lonely as I am
Together we cry

I don't ever want to feel
Like I did that day
Take me to the place I love
Take me all that way

Under the bridge downtown
Is where I drew some blood
Under the bridge downtown
I could not get enough
Under the bridge downtown
Forgot about my love
Under the bridge downtown
I gave my life away

Well, to some extent thats how i feel right now...With this time though, i've grown more rational in my thoughts, and i am growing calmer in my feelings...i just need to make myself not as sick over this as i am...i dont even know why i am...

love is a bitch.

-jadez03

[	mood	|	discontent	]
[	music	|	King of Broken Hearts - The Roman Candles	]

Here are some poems i wrote within the last few days...not all of them are relating to the current "issues" at hand, with my life, but...hey...plz leave any comments on these, criticisms, compliments, etc... Thank You...

-jadez03

Pain...
The Sorrowfull Abyss
Of A Love That Cannot Exist
Plagues My Thoughts When I Wake
And Haunts My Dreams When I Sleep
I Want To Cry
I Want To Weep
But I Cannot Do So...
Haunting Overflow...
It Gets In My Eyes
And I Cannot See
I Gave You My Heart...
And You Threw It Back At Me...

I Would...
I would die for you
do what you want me to
because i couldnt stand
a life without you

your smiles and you laughter bring joy to my heart
thats why i cant stand it when we are apart

hold my hand as we walk away
please dont leave i need you always

Take my heart and keep it today
There is no cost i give it for free

Because...

I could die for you
what is life without you?
I would die for you
You make me want to say
I will die for you
Because I would...
I would die for you....

If Only
I would give up my sight
To see you for a moment
I would give up my hands
Just to feel you one last time
I would throw away my desires
For you to desire me
Your body is a perfect one
Full of sensuality
Your mind is like a goldmine
Ready to surprise me
This is what I see in you
And why i'd give up everything too,
If only you loved me, If only you knew.

Come Back (Unfinished Song)
I
Im the only one you need
Im the only one there is...here
I
Im a candle Burning
Im lighting up your world...again

It's all these things that teach you of my sin
Its all your feelings that overthrow me again
Take all your shit and throw it at me again
Because I Love Without Rejection

It's all these things that teach you of my sin
Its all your feelings that overthrow me again
Take all your shit and throw it at me again
Because I Love Without Rejection

Dead On The Inside I've Got Nothing To Prove
If you keep me alive give me something to lose
Something good to die for, to make it beautifull to live...
I need a reason to stay or goodbye is what you'll get...

I wont come back
I wont come back
I wont come back
I wont come back
I wont come back
I wont come back

It's all these things that teach you of my sin
Its all your feelings that overthrow me again
Take all your shit and throw it at me again
Because I Love Without Rejection

Dead On The Inside I've Got Nothing To Prove
If you keep me alive give me something to lose
Something good to die for, to make it beautifull to live...
I need a reason to stay or goodbye is what you'll get...

I wont come back...AGAIN

Longing
I long to be with you tonight
You are in my dreams, my heart, my mind
Why'd you lure me with that smile,
When I Cannot Have You?
You stay attached with that one,
and you will be unhappy.
All I want is for you to come to me,
That we may hold each other neverendingly.
Please open your eyes, cant you see,
What do you see when you look at me?
Surely not who I think I am...Then why would you say hi?
If I cannot be wth you, what reason not to die?
I have nothing to live for, save your beauty.
You come and see me, with longing in my eyes...
And you dont notice...or care...why?
I love you...love me back...
I need it...I need you...
The Longing Forever Turns...

Suicide
What do i do with all the pain inside?
Thought about a bullet in between my eyes
thought about slittin up my wrists
thought about ways to not exist

but i couldnt do that in any way
it'd be a victory for you on every day
and if i end my life you win
and i'll never let that happen again...

What?
Take my hand and come with me
Run from this and be free
You arent treated as is right
I Love you too much tonight
With all my heart I look at you
Screaming silently for your affection
I am here for you to grab
Praying you see me for what I am,
Someone who loves you like an ocean,
of affection and desirem
The world i love, her tears cant stop
This chapter is going to be a close one...
In our out of my life...my love
Dont you ever wonder...why i do what i do?
Stop to think it's all for you...
Falling asleep by your side is my fantasy,
Nothing more having you by my side would be ecstacy...
The touch of your hand...My arm around your shoulder...
Always there, as we grow older...
God I can't bear being without you
Please hold me kiss me hug me love me
Until i can see you again...
This will never happen...
You are too good for me and cannot see...
The way I love...the way my heart stops...
...When I think of you
Why?-Cant You See?
Why?-Cant We Be?
Why?-Is It So Hard?
When We Are Apart?

Why?
I feel you in my blood,
this heart pumping all my love,
your words stay in my mind,
your face is no surprise,
its as beautifull now as it was then
why cant we be more than friends?

[	mood	|	pissed off	]
[	music	|	Alone Anymore - The Roman Candles	]

Well, friends, it is coming to that time again....6:30 on a Monday, whilst i must go back to the feared house of hatred...(my dads... :S ) While there i am unable to post...or to get online at all...so i will try to make my way to a friends house or do it at school...but...if i dont post much dont get angry... :P

ttyl

-jadez03

[	mood	|	hopeful	]
[	music	|	Your Love [Remix] - The Prodigy	]

Well its friday...i just got back to my moms...i guess that Youth Group was canceled tonight...someone had a Mens retreat and there was no babysitter for the lil ones...i was kinda disappointed but its ok...
I saw Alisha on Wednesday for the first time since...well...yeah...She came down and talked to me, and started saying how confused she was cuz of more than one person liking her at a time....So that gives me a little that maybe, just MAYBE...that she might like me...
Also, I am going to kick roberts ass....he embarrassed me so bad...we were on the porch in front of church, and Alicia is standing by me and her boyfriend is standing on the other side of the porch. Robert looks at Alisha and says "You shouldnt be going out with him..." *points to her boyfriend* "...You should be going out with HIM" *points to me* ...he proceeds to do this like, 3 times...and i got so embarrassed i just walked away....I was just....bleh.
I want to talk to Alisha and tell her howe much i like her....but when you like someone that much, the fear of rejection is that much higher...argh....please help me...

What Am I To Do....
-jadez03

[	mood	|	Happy, Sad, Angry, Depressed	]
[	music	|	Disarm - The Smashing Pumpkins	]

Today was wierd...it was actually a good day...

i went over to Stephanie's, a girl in my 3rd hour, that likes me. Well, earlier that week, we agreed to be just friends.

but today at her birthday we made out for like, 30 minutes, and did some other things.... so we are now friends, with "benefits", i guess...i mean, she is drop dead gorgeous, and i would love to have a relationship with her, but...this doesn't take away from how i feel about Alisha...man....
it was so awkward explaining to her little sister why we weren't going out but we were kissing *Stephanie! You should've just said we WERE!* lol

and i started writing this at about 1:45AM but now its 2:18AM and im not in a good mood anymore. My friend is really depressed (not allowed to say who or why) but he is heartbroken and i talked to him...and my friend Shelly is being a dumbass. she gets pissed of when i bring God into things. She calls herself a christian but holds none of the qualities of one...and when i try to tell her that she cries and tells me that i dont understand or that im twisting her words or some other BS. she is just trying to sidestep the truth. THAT SHE NEEDS GOD. Hey, speak of the devil! She just emailed me!

[reads]

she is saying that i am belittling her by telling her she needs God, and that she already has him. and that she has another love in her life that doesn't love her back and thats the only way she'll be truly happy is if she with him. well im about to say screw it and just not talk to her, because she doesnt want help.

God but i can know where she is coming from because i feel the same way about Alisha...but i am happy and sustained because i have God in my life...

Man life is hard

-jade03

[	mood	|	distressed	]
[	music	|	Fuck You: An Ode to No One - The Smashing Pumpkins	]

Ok today was REALLY messed up. I mean TOTALLY MESSED UP.

i stayed up late last nite cuz of..well...yea...

and this morning i got up and got ready really quik cuz i woke up late and we had to hurry. well we got to church a little late but it was ok

so i walk in the door, and the one person, the only person that i care how she thinks of me, Alisha, looks at my haircut and just goes... "Your hair...." with a :( face. so that made me kinda sad...but not too much...

well then pastor bobby did this sermon on Loving, and that we should love no matter what.well it got me thinking about my dad and stepmom, who i often fantazize about killing, and that i should love them....

but then it got me thinking about Alisha...just the mention of love....got me thinking about how strong my feelings toward her are, and how much it hurts me that it cant be the way i want it to be... and i cant stand it! why? why do i feel this way? there is no reason! i have just felt it since the moment i met her! i have just felt drawn to her...her personality is just perfect, and she is so beautifull....i didnt even know her name, i just saw her and instantly fell in love.... shit i cant take this!

so i nearly cried at church, thinking about everything, wait...come to think of it...i did...because Pastor Bobby came up to me and took me aside and asked me about Sabrina and that just topped my emotions, it was tha straw that broke the camels back....i just let loose...so on wednesday night i have to go have a talk with him in his office about me and why im always depressed, im glad though...he is such a good guy and cares so much....

well after church, i had a birthday party to go to, and i was really looking forward to it, but after we got home, my parents started fighting, went in the garage, and started yelling at eachother. the garage has paper thin walls, so i had to blast music because i didnt want the kids to hear the fighting, then i had to keep them occupied because they kept crying about the fighting....and that totally pissed me off. the party ended at 4pm and when they were finally done fighting it was like 3:56....i was a lil pissed....

so i started cleaning my/lil bros room (we share) it was a tough job since it was a pigsty, but it was BS, the shit my lil bro pulls. he starts crying becasue he has to make his bed on his own. so after that hes all pissed off so he took my prom photo (framed) offa the desk and threw em on the floor, which REALLY pissed me off. So i put em on my bed then yelled at him. well later he JUMPS ON THEM WHILE ON MY BED AND BROKE THE FRAME!!! OMFG I WANTED TO KILL HIM! there is no reason that he should be so angry that he has to clean up his own mess up that HE made....but oyu know what? out of my other 2 siblings, he is the good one. You shouldve heard the screaming crying and whineing from those girls that they had to clean.

*looks across the hall*

their room still has shit all over the floor and is messier than when they started. why do i have to be the parent? after i left for church my parents stopped doing anything! the kids arent disciplined, and my rents let them walk all over them! God the only time anything runs smoothly is when im here...

i went to church at 6 that nite....i saw Alisha before it started and she asked me what was wrong. I said "alot of stuff", and she still said, with a sterner tone, WHATS WRONG? well i said, "alot of shit" (since it was mostly her, i didnt really want to say that) well i forgot we were in church, so she was all "watch your language in church!" so i walked off downstairs, and took the back exit outside. I was just sitting there brewing over stuff when she came out, she had followed me...
she started talking to me and asked what was really wrong...said that she was my friend and that she cared about me and that she wanted to know....well i was just about to tell her how i really felt, since we were alone, when dumbass nicole comes out and starts yelling at alisha, cuz nicole is being a bitch about some boy she used to date, saying that Alisha isnt allowed to talk to him, and since Alisha didnt, (which i thought was doing what she asked) NIcole got mad. I dont know, but anyways, Nicole ruined it...i was about to let out my true feelings, but now i have to wait...

while i was in church i wrote a list of like 25 things that i was depressed about, threee 3 people i saw die, my suicidle friends, my rents, etc....and let Ashley read it....then i let Jes read it...i really trust em both...they both seem to know the hurt i am going through....(ashley and jes are girls at my church)

But after that i went up to the altar when pastor Bobby opened it, and started praying....he came up to me and started praying with me, and started crying as soon as he touched me....like he could feel my pain or something....then i started crying.....he was praying all these prayers of strength and stuff for me, and then he started to pray in tongues...it was not the first time ive heard him do that....but for some reason i felt a special significance to this today....then he told me that the card i made him for Pastor Appriciation Day made him cry and that he would cherish it forever (that made me happy) so i was on a sort of mixed mood, a cross between happy and sad....

but after church, i was talking to everone, and wendy told me that some dude i didnt even know was gonna drive me home...it kinda irked me....but before i left alisha gave me her email addy....come to think of it i need to email her....

on the way home in this dude chris's car, he drove like a wacko and scared me....he also wasnt very nice.....

but when i got in the door of my house, it wasnt any better, because i walked in on the same pigsty that i left from, even though everyone was supposed to be cleaning. I finished MY chores, but no one else did THIERS. i always end up doing EVERYTHING for EVERYONE! :angry face: GRRRR!!!!! and to top it all off my stepdad is extreemly sick, and i think he should go to the hospital....but he ownt and im worried for him.... :cries:

i went to the store with my mom and started to almost cry because i feel like i have ALL these problems of my own that i can barely stand, but then i treat myself as the ameture counseler and take on EVERYONE elses problems...So on top of my pain i take everyone elses! And i feel like i am getting crushed by the wieght of this!

so here it is, 12:12 AM, and i have written an entire essay for you to read...sorry about that....i just hurt and thisis my way of venting....

-jadez03